A friend and I met for coffee during her first week at work after being on maternity leave for two months. Before the baby came, she thought she’d be eager to return to work, but she soon realized that was not the case. Instead, she was distressed. She yearned to be home with her baby, even though she loved the adult interaction, feelings of accomplishment, and financial reward that come from working.
It tugs at her heart each morning when she hands her baby, who is just starting to socially smile, over to a daycare provider. It pains her because she knows she won’t see him for another 9 hours. She also worries that somebody else will see his first crawl, find his first tooth, and hear his first word. She said to me, “I feel like this other person is raising my son. What if he gets confused on who his mommy is?”
I related to her because I felt similarly when I first brought my daughter to daycare. I sympathized and told her the following.
A word of comfort for working moms.
Your son will always know who mommy is. Yours is the first face he sees every morning and the last face he sees before bed. When he cries in the middle of the night, you are the one who comes to him. When he is sick and feels unwell, you are the one holding and nurturing him. You are the most important person in his life and that won’t change for a long time.
My friend expressed relief and I realized how much I would have liked somebody to say those words to me when I was a new mom returning to work. At that time I struggled because I underestimated the emotional conflict that would ensure.
Why I Chose to Keep Working After Having Kids
Emotionally I want to be home with my children, but I am also really proud of my career and I enjoy most of the challenges it brings. I actively pursued my career and professional growth for nine years before becoming a mom. Those years were filled with commitment and growth. I’m still moving with a lot of momentum that was built during those years. Furthermore I want my kids to see me as a strong woman who can do hard things and accomplish big goals.
Financially, I understand that our debt and other payments require me to work. We’ve always been a two income household and our lifestyle reflects that. In order to maintain our standard of living, which my husband and I both desire, we need my income. While I long to be home with my babies, we don’t want to change where or how we live. We worked so hard to get here.
Admittedly, I want debt freedom and financial independence more than ever – especially now that I understand the joy of motherhood and being present with my kids. And that’s another reason why I continue to work. It will take a lot longer with only one income.
This is why I chose to bring my daughter, and now my son, to daycare. It’s a choice filled with caring, but pitted with guilt. Ultimately, I am sharing all of this to give solidarity to other working parents because we share this experience.
So what can you do about it? Firstly, get your money life in order so that you have the ability to put your kids first in times of crisis or emergency. Then follow these additional tips to steady your feelings.
Here are four tips to help you cope with being a working mom.
- Treat Daycare Like Family – Recognize that the women who care for your child while you are working play a very important role in your family and in society. They have probably grown to love your child. To me, this makes them like family. Celebrate milestones, birthdays and holidays with them. Your acknowledgement of their role is the right thing to do, and when you think of them as family it reduces your worries.
- Reorganize Your Routine – Find ways to get your chores like laundry and shopping done at night or during workday breaks. Consider using services like online shopping, grocery delivery, or a housekeeper. This frees up time to do special things with your children when they are home with you.
- Talk to Other Working Parents – Form relationships with other people who get it. They understand, and if their kids are older than yours, they may offer insights on how to tackle various issues.
- Be Grateful – Remind yourself why you make the choice to work. Is it to sustain a lifestyle you enjoy or for the personal fulfillment? Whatever your reasons are, when you catch yourself dwelling on what you are “missing out on,” make a point of shifting your attention to what you are gaining.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of feeling trapped or like you have no choice but to work, however you always have a choice on how you react to your circumstances. Using these tips helped me embrace my decision to stay in the workforce. I own it and try to stay grateful during the challenging times. This level of personal accountability is the foundation of personal power.
